The Self With Two Faces

Approaching my journaling with a reminder of the importance of meditating regularly and asking the mind to go deeper than before. This deepening takes me well below all the emotional garbage that is strewn in my current reality. Much of it has been blocking my creativity and spiritual connections. Just the opposite of what I want. I'm eager to work with my emotional childSelves, but desire to do this at a spiritual level and not from my ego-Self. The first is powerful, creative and healing; the latter offers little of anything.

I'm surprised at my level of anger, as well as the anger than surrounds me. As I become more aware, it's seems like a plague. I've decided to shut off the TV and to stop reading the newspaper for now. Then there are the others who are so contaminated with anger. It's so clear to me now....their "operating systems." My reaction in the past was to move into my defensive mode, fighting to the finish. This is a very unhealthy pattern, one I'm interested in deflating or breaking completely. Of course I realize this is a lot to ask, but I'm asking anyway.

Before meditating...

I'm going to use a technique from my past that worked quite well for me. I call it the "garbage can." Opening my journal, pen on paper, requesting the pen to locate anything and everything that is blocking my mind today. Just a quick mention is all that is needed. The power of awareness. Noticing and releasing, leaving the creative space open. Inviting the Self to enter deeper levels. Lots of junk today. As the pen puts it to paper, all seems rather ridiculous. I've always had a churning mind, even as a child. I feel like I'm vomiting some of this. Some of the same themes hit the paper. First it's the "to do lists"...the never ending "to do lists." But there is more. Here come the things that want to be on the to-do list but haven't been listed as yet. In a way, they drive me crazier than the actual list. Constant shuffling. Never a moment of peace. Needing and fighting to win agreements, things that are wrong with our house, being interrupted and tensing my body as I pretend that it doesn't bother me, which it always does. That's a laugh unto itself. That part of me is hyper-active, just waiting for that button to be pushed. Here comes some more. The need to exercise at a higher level, walk further, harder, push those weights, setting more goals than I could achieve in a life-time. Here they come...the never ending goals, some as dreams, others in parts like wounded soldiers, goals carrying lists, goals pounding on my mind, goals, goals, goals. Goals choking me. Never, ever finished and never will be. I feel the anger rising in my throat...leave me alone. But, they won't because I'm addicted to them, just like my eating disorder. I hate them, but I love them for they are what I am. How sick is this? My "journal master" says nothing. It's as if I never spoke. Feeling like a crazy person needing some sort of restraint. Restraint? Of course. My eating disorder. That is a restraint. Yes, I know all about restraints... I'm requested to "shhhhhh" now...

Meditating and deepening...

"Garbage can" away... following my "master", going deeply into the chair, utilizing the "deeper down dial" that works so well, especially when debris has been removed. The regular dial has five levels, but I an requested to go deeper today where I can enter levels of my spirituality and creativity that have been absent from my life for so long. A special gift, rewarding me for working in this very difficult area and not backing away. Thank you. It feels good to go deeper and the journey is rather speedy, like the express elevator in a tall building. Passing floors that have no purpose for today. Perhaps another day, but not today. I'm grateful, for I am really tired from shoveling garbage.

Arrival...

The elevator door opens and the "Light" greets me. I want to bask in it. I need to, but I'm moved along. The message is "that I don't need anything." I just think I do. I have everything inside of me, including my Highest Spiritual Nature. Sensing a spring breeze touching the top of my head. It's been so long since I've felt a breeze. I've been out of touch, blocked by so much debris and anger, not even noticing. Asleep for it. Like being in a smoke-filled room, unconscious and smothered with the poisonous gas.

Waking up is both delightful and challenging. Asking to see the blockage means being willing to look with acceptance. Not a strong suit for me. I've been fighting for so long. No wonder I'm tired. My biggest opponent is me, mySelf and that part comes towards me. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. She is beautiful and ugly, like someone with two distinct faces. I tear as I write this. Something touching my soul. I feel so sorry for her, yet I admire and love her at the same time. Like a mixing bowl of emotions, all releasing themselves. Goodness...

The children come forward carrying their toys. Seeing them in a new light now. Understanding their meaning and importance to the protection and release for the child who had no other way. But, I am no longer that child and so the release must be re-designed. The part of me with two faces shows me some of the ways I've collected anger and how I handled or tried to release it. Try is the operative word, because it was impossible to truly release my anger with inefficient or addictive tools. Instead, they destroyed me further. Now, the two faces me is showing me a living diorama that displays how I even enjoy the anger. Giving permission for entering addiction.

Additional parts of my life experience are becoming clear, like a fog lifting. Realizing much more is opening to me now. I'm grateful, for this is very fertile ground for creative planting.

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Village of Anger

Thanks to all who have sent comments to my blog. Unfortunately, I had some sort of a computer glitch & I couldn't respond to you. So...please write to me again.

And now...

Approaching my journal with some angst...

Since I've been working in the Library of Desires and Talents my body has been experiencing even more tension. This is somewhat of a mystery to me and certainly not what I want to experience. I want to be rid of this body tension! It's the reason I returned to Inner Journaling. I thought returning to "fun and games" would bring delight and relaxation to all parts of me. That's why I started off in the early years area. This is when I had time to play all day. Do what I wanted. Even played hookey from school. Sometimes I wish I could play hookey from my current life, but of course, that's not an option. Too many responsibilities. The idea of hanging out in this area of my inner mind was to play hookey of sorts, but instead, I get a super-tense body! Yes, I do enjoy living inside the memories, but is this the only time I get to enjoy? Is this just another escape mechanism like alcohol or eating a bag of chips in the dark?

I am so !@#$% angry today. For those of you who follow my blog & of course, for those of you who live with me....this is obvious.

"Today?" responds my "journal correspondent. "Perhaps you would like to re-think that. Look inside your anger. You will see how long the path winds, through so many years. In fact, you might like to take a walk there, but best wear a protective suit."

I'm somewhat nervous to begin my session today. Yes, I do want to go inside my anger. Knowing this is the way to release, I'm still arguing & resisting. My body already hurts so much and I still don't understand how the tension got to this level, especially since I've been playing in the "theater of my mind" with my happiness toys.

"Why did you play with your happiness toys? What was their purpose?" The questions are clear and on mark. Of course, there was a reason for them, for everything has a reason. Just because I was a little child and lacked insight, doesn't mean that they didn't have their own purpose. Yes, I was escaping even then. Now it's becoming clearer why I am having this body tension. I was looking at my toys "as toys" and not as a mechanism that served me well during those times. Playing hookey was another mechanism to keep me protected. If I didn't have to leave my "toy factory", then I didn't have to deal with what was outside. This included leaving my safety place, or my home.

I'm coming to realize that many of my early issues have not been "cleanup up" and if they have been, it's not nearly enough. No wonder I am so angry. The anger runs deep, like rivers cutting through the middle Earth. Obviously I was not able to approach these rivers as a young child, not even as an adult. I'm realizing that it takes not only courage, but a high level of life experience and insight to walk the paths that go to meet these deep rivers. I'm game for this now, because "if not now....when?" I'm no longer a child, nor a young adult, nor even a middle age adult. It's time and I have both the desire, deep wisdom and freedom from many other weights that allow me to walk into deeper parts of mySelf.

Perhaps this is why I've been brought back to my inner journaling. I find that I can enter by choosing a favorite "early toy." I pick up my kick ball and foot it down the path. Always been good at kickball. Always able to find the hole in the opposition and make the pass for an easy run. Kicking the ball, running forward and sensing the freedom as my feet hardly touch the path. The sign tells me that I'm almost to the "village of anger."

Expecting it to be dark and dank, but it is neither of the two. Actually, it's quite alive with a high level of energy. Many games of intense kickball going on. Players practicing and very focused. Never thought of my inner anger in this way. I've known about my repressed anger for many decades, but I've never been to this area and I'm finding it quite exciting. Yes, the other interpretation of anger could be excitement. The air of forgiveness floats over me, like a breeze refreshing my body and mind. I sense a feeling of respect for mySelf and those parts of me that have been living in this area for so long.

Each player has a history that is written on her shirt. Here are memories long forgotten, but seeds for my current !@#$%%. The youngest parts of me have shirts filled with writing. I'm understanding that these little Selves had no voice and so the writing on their shirts is long and intense. I have the desire to hug them, hoping I can release some of their angst. How old their shirts are and how stiff are their little bodies! I feel tears welling behind my eyes. One child appears dead, and then another appears looking dead. The dead parts of me are now coming forward, too despondent to even play kickball. Yes, it's true. Looking closer at the kickball players. They represent my older or more recent Selves. The older or earlier life representatives are inert. Of course, these are the parts of me that hold me in my depressed state. The other parts, the more recent kickballers, are my more active-angry Selves. I know everyone here.

My journal advocates tell me that it's time to hold a meeting with all parts of me that live in the "village of anger." There is much work to be done here. Much healing. Much release. Much re-programming and education. Now, I'm understanding the toys. They march past me, some from very young years, others from my teens and young adulthood. Surprised, but not really, at more recent toys....each asking me to "follow." Leading me down paths less traveled, but paths that will open secrets long buried.

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Working the Buzz Saw

There are many libraries in the "theater of the mind" and all are multi-functional. It's good for me to remember that my mind is beautifully organized because most of the time I feel just the opposite. Today is one of those days!

Before I even begin journaling, I'm reminded that sensations of disorder often follow times of great stress or tension and I've certainly experienced that over the last week. Still cleaning up after the electrical fire. Waiting for the building inspector to hopefully close this door. The electrician gave me a magnet reminder to stick on the refrigerator. Not a good idea to keep this in the front of my mind. Besides, who could ever forget the name Mr. Sparky or the jingle that plays on their phone line.

My mind is just leaving the anxiety-mode. Sensing the tension remaining in my body. Like buzz-saws. I've decided to utilize the sensations for going deeper. This is a technique for managing pain, so I'll look at the buzz-saws as a pain sensation, going deeper down as my mind locates the sawing sensations. Starting at the top of the head, scanning down, just like a hand scanner for airport security. I'm stunned at the amount and intensity of the buzzing. This sort of meditative body opening is very powerful and revealing. My shoulders reveal super-sonic buzzing. Of course, so much weight placed on them over the last week. Forgetting how vulnerable the body can be to high stress, and how out of touch one becomes when the stress experiences push themselves to the front of the line. Reminds me of people in the supermarket who would run you over with their carts in order to be first....especially in the bakery.

Thoughts are racing, arguing with the buzz-saw, demanding to be noticed. I observe them passing through my consciousness, as I travel deeper down, like swimming underneath them. Noticing them on the surface of the water, but not caring about their presence. Simply allowing mySelf to go deeper down. When my attention is brought up to the surface, I simply notice and respond by going deeper down. Meditating through mind and body clutter.

Feeling better now. Leveling off. Ready to greet my inner mentors and Universal Mind. While they are always present, it's often difficult to communicate through all of the obstructions brought about by stressors, both big and small. I often forget to notice what's flowing through mySelf and this experience serves as another reminder to stay connected.

The buzz-saw now presents itself to me, asking to be utilized for something useful. This is an example of "transmutation" or changing something into something else. In the body, it represented locked-up stress and now outside my body, it represents a useful tool. I'm understanding that I do have paths in my subconscious mind that have not been tended to over the years. They are over-grown with weeds, brambles and debris. I'm led to one of them, not even knowing where it leads. I'm reminded of how clutter blocks many things in life and how good it feels to get rid of things that often stuff closets, drawers, cupboards, to name a few. Paradoxically, clutter can take over all areas of life without even being noticed. Ask any hoarder...

I'm now wondering how many paths are blocked with over-growth and what lies beyond. My childSelf has appeared, demanding that I leave them alone. Obviously frightened, even though she maintains that she knows nothing about these. Fear of the unknown. Another childhood issue that needs to be put to rest. I'm reminded that the best way to achieve this is to go forward. The buzz-saw buzzes in response. I'll start with what is in front of me and take it from there. The brambles, vines, weeds respond to the buzz, removing themselves with little effort. Reminds me of cleaning out the garage. Items wanting to be released by donation or going to the trash. Realizing that my mind was doing the blocking and not the stuff.

The path bricks are revealed. While a bit dingy, it's clear to me that they are golden or goal-den says the journal. I can now notice a sign directing the way. This path leads to the Library of Desires and Talents. Oh, it's been a long time since I thought about any of this. My life has been so encapsulated around my work, home, relationships and daily rituals. In a way, my life has become tiresome in it's sameness. It's not that I don't enjoy my life, but every room can benefit from a fresh coat of paint.

I'm entering the Library and have decided to spend some time here. I think this is "just what the doctor ordered." Fresh paint...fresh insights into those parts of my life experience that have been ignored. I'm heading for the early years and can sense the idea of fun and games entering my body. Glad that I released the buzzing, so now I have room for taking in the joy that I know is located here. Skating, hop-scotch, my blue bike, clarinet and my kick ball are against the wall. Just like new.

Everything is available to me. Each image or symbol represents life experiences, inviting me to play exactly as I did in the past, but through my adult Self. My early child is there, waiting to play and communicate with me. I can't wait to see her. There is so much to share. I know how concerned she was about her life, and I'm here to let her know that everything turned out "just fine." Perhaps she will open my mind to other things as well. Sharing back and forth will help us both to grow and heal.

Oh...there's my library card!

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Angel Chat

Beliefs are deeply-held mind programs that work behind the scenes as powerful goals. They originate from many places, some obvious, some not so obvious and others...a complete mystery. I love exploring the history of my beliefs through automatic journaling, especially if those beliefs position themSelves in the middle of my life path. It's almost "as if" they want to communicate with me, perhaps to share something that I might find useful. My Path has revealed some of these, mainly spiritual in nature.

Today's Automatic Journaling...

I ready mySelf to relax deeply into the moment, releasing my mind and body. This is usually easy for me, but this time my conscious Self keeps interrupting, trying to direct the subject matter for my journaling session. This is not the way.

Oh, how I despise being interrupted. And, as for being directed, this is not one of my strong suits, especially if, whatever it is, belongs "soul-y" to me. This is how I view my journal, the front door key to my soul. I've worked long and hard to attain this position as writer, director and producer. In the past, I would stand by the side-lines. Others ran and played with my life. Now, I'm not tossing blame here. I expected and even wanted them to do it. Lazy? Fearful of making mistakes? Always wanting to please? Many reasons to be the actor instead of the director.

Today, it seems that my conscious mind wants to return to that way of being. It's not going to happen. I get up and change my position. Back to the down-breath. Feels better this time....no static interruptions. The thought processes slow, slow, slow. The mind screen a beautiful shade of light blue. Images arising of their own accord. Just letting them do their thing. I don't believe I'm "there" yet. Just passing by images assisting the journey inward.

I'm invited to sit inside a spiral, rather like a slinky. I had one as a child and loved watching it going down steps. Now I'm inside one, going deeper down the spiral staircase. Yes, the spiral staircase. I went down one a few days ago with my childSelf, but this time I'm alone inside the slinky. The slinky-ride is fun. Feeling like a child in an amusement park!

The slinky lands and a door opens. I'm at a different area than before, but I sense this is my Life Path, like someone is telling me that. In front of me is a library-like building with a gold door pusher. I'm already pushing it open. The sign tells me that this is the Library of Beliefs. I'm reminded of the Library of Congress where some of my father's political cartoons are in safe keeping. I sense my father's presence, wondering if this is just a heart-felt desire or something else. Whatever it is, the sensations are peaceful and loving.

As a child, I was brought up Catholic, but my adult conscious Self does not follow any organized religion, but instead harbors strong beliefs in a Higher Power, spiritual teachers and message bearers. Part of me questions the presence of actual Angels, imaging these in a different category from spiritual teachers and messengers. I've often thought what my reaction would be if an Angel Spirit came into my awareness. My current thought is that I would really "freak out." I'm here in the Library of Beliefs to explore that notion and to learn more about me, mySelf and I.

The inner mind houses many different libraries, this being just one of the many, but a very important one to be sure. Beliefs fall into categories. They are housed in sectors of this particular building. It's already known that I am here regarding spiritual beliefs and so I'm ushered into a sector located near to the back. I've come to understand that spiritual beliefs are often very old, accompanying the individual through the birthing process. If newborns could talk, they might relay some of this information, but by the time the baby is old enough to speak, these memories are often in the back of the mind. However, if you hold a baby close to your heart, you may be able to sense the energies released by these. We think of the baby as being precious, but underneath the preciousness one can find spiritual connection.

I'm hear to ask specifically about Angels.

My fingers type direct questions onto my keyboard. Sometimes the answers come through my fingers, other times through the pen that sits on top of my writing journal.

"Have I ever been in contact with an Angel?" I'm somewhat doubtful, because of the Angel image I have in my mind. I'm answered with the words of my own observation.

"What makes you believe that Angels look a particular way?" I honestly don't know. It's just an idea in my head.

I find mySelf in a sector of the library were my Angel contacts are classified by date and time. Wow! I must say that I'm surprised to know how many contacts I've had. I'm told that some of my communication was short, but very important, some even life-saving. Others were short, but with less impact. Others were huge. I pull one of the "huge files" off of the shelf. Yes, I do remember this happening very clearly. I just never thought of it as an Angel Appearance.

It was back in 1984. We had a carbon monoxide leak from three different furnaces in our new home. The house was old, but we had just moved there a few months ago. The furnaces were all replaced, but I had a cough that wouldn't relent. So, I went to stay in a section of the house that was deemed "servant's quarters." I'd been sleeping there for about a week, but the cough persisted. One night I was awakened from a deep sleep. I felt pressure on my legs. There was a blue light surrounding something or someone who seemed to be sitting on my legs. I heard the voice of my step-father who had died about five years ago. The voice was calm, but strong. "Get out of this room right now. The flue is blocked and the contractors did not put the safety switch on the furnace. The carbon monoxide is spewing into the room." His voice went on to tell me exactly the configuration of the furnace, the flue and where the blockage was. He also told me not to call the same contractors because they would lie.

Yes, this is exactly what happened and everything was as his voice told me. "And so, do you not realize that you were visited by an Angel?" I must admit, I didn't realize that. I did know that something spectacular happened that night.

I'm asked to look around this sector of the library and spend some time reviewing other parts of my life experience. "Yes, I do believe in Angels."

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The Sixth Sense

Everything is connected, but sometimes we have a loose connection that needs to be attended to.

Automatic journaling is how we enhance our connection with our Higher Power, sixth sense or intuition. Journaling is not just a writing exercise, but a process of becoming fully engaged with the Universal Mind. Our level of engagement continues throughout our daily experiences in what I like to call the "workshop of the world. We know this as our current reality. It's like we are participating in a theatrical play, where the script unfolds as the scenes unravel themselves. It's an "auto-pilot" production and we are the players. The clearer our Universal connections or intuition, the better for us. We stay in the position of "heightened observer." The scenes of life become more vibrant or clearer like HDTV and our ability to ask or hear specific directions is greatly enhanced. In other words, the connection is clear because the debris has been removed.

Sometimes intuition speaks softly, other times very loudly. In my experience, it's always best to listen. Intuition allows us to see more and to make better choices. These choices can change one's life dramatically. This is what happened to me in the middle of the night.

Act I Scene I

I'm awakened by our alarm system making a strange noise that I've never heard before. It wasn't all that loud, but since I have a tendency to "policing" my life, my mind seems to stay alert to any and all changes in my environment, a result of early childhood trauma. I get up and flip on the light switch. No light. No electricity. Oh damn. What's going on. Heart racing a bit. Wake the husband. Just for a moment, wondering what I would be doing if there was no husband. Am I such a needy person??? Realizing the child part of me is so very fearful, but I can turn this off. Just this week I released my child from her leg braces, taking my position as a mature Self. Deciding to wake the husband, so he won't feel "left out". Also, depending on what happens next, he may be useful, especially since he really likes to take charge.

Act I Scene 2

Well, as expected, he takes over, directing me through the house with flashlights, calming the child, even though the child was calmed long ago, but no need to announce that. Nothing to be gained. "Just a regular black-out" was his diagnosis. As for the alarm, "who knows. It's not the first time the damn thing did something strange." I do have to agree, although the police, investigative part of me isn't satisfied, but no need to get into this discussion in the middle of the night. Those subjects are best saved for another time, if at all. Lessons learned from many years of marriage. Husband returns to bed, snoring within minutes. The investigative-police part of me is happy to have him removed from the scene. She also likes to be in charge.

Act 2 Scene 1

Awake and alert. Time to research and collect evidence. What's really going on here? Another presence is felt. I immediately know it to be Universal Intelligence, an active group of spiritual helpers. Some people call these "angels." Whoever they are, I'm happy they're here. I feel at peace and safe. The childSelf is directed to sit quietly on the sofa to observe, for this is how the child part of us learns to mature.

I'm told to disengage the alarm and go into the garage. Calmly now. As I open the door, the smell of smoke touches my nostrils. I look around, but everything appears normal, except for the smell. I wish the lights were on. I'm instructed to call the electric company and receive a recorded message. Our address is checked via their automatic-response computer and I'm told that the problem will be resolved by the next morning.

The investigative-police part of me isn't satisfied, but it's more than that. She will not go to sleep, but stays vigilant, shining the flashlight in different parts of the room, just in case this is more than it seems, for my intuition is convinced that there is more than meets the eye.

Act 2 Scene 2

The mind and body are calm, but alert. 4 AM Lights and voices on the side of the house and a banging on the window. A man wearing a construction hat informing me that there is no problem and telling me to trip the main breaker.

It doesn't move. I'm not strong enough. He agrees to push it for me, even though they are not allowed to enter any premise. I open the door and he takes a step back. "Don't touch anything. The electrical panel is smoldering. It may spark or explode if you touch it." The car sits next to the electrical panel. My husband is snoring down the hall.

Act 3 Finale

Finding an electrician on a weekend and one who would be able to handle this job. I look through the phone book with my flashlight. Don't know any electricians. My pen moves towards the name of a company with a ridiculous name. "I would never call a company with a name like that." The pen ignores my comment, encircling the name. Oh, someone else is in charge here. The pen then makes a 1-2-3 list as to why this is the right company. Intuition.

Snoring stops and agreement is reached without debate. Strange? The company with the odd name responds immediately, dispatching a knowledgeable professional...clean, neat and focused. "You're very lucky you didn't lose your life or your house last night." Yes, I do know that and I am grateful. There is tremendous power in heightened awareness and healthy connections!

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Releasing the Up-Tight Self
originally posted: August 20, 2010

Relaxing deeply into the moment now. Fingers not touching the computer keys. Eyes closed gently and slightly turned up. Entering the subconscious mind via the spiral staircase, the suggestion of the childPart. Most likely this also has a meaning, so I'll remember to ask. Going down, down and further down. Eyes opening, fingers working independently from my mind. Questions appearing as if being asked by themselves...

Down the spiral staircase...one foot before the next....paying careful attention to the placement of my feet. I've never been keen on spiral staircases & wondering why the child part of me chose this way of getting to where we need to go. Since I'm working with "right brain or automatic writing", I can hear the child explaining this to me, even before my fingers type out the question.

" I have to go slowly because of my leg braces. You always go everywhere so fast. I never get to see anything."

Critique accepted. Yes, she's absolutely right. This is an important reminder for me. Take more time while enjoying the moments. Life is not a marathon event. This is a habitual way of being for me, so I'm asking my subconscious mind to awaken me.

I'm being asked to clarify this. On a scale of 1-10? "Please wake me at level 5." It's easier to change something BEFORE it gets too big and over-whelming. In nursing these are known as the "prodromals" or behaviors that "come before." Obviously, it would be a nuisance if I'm continually aware of how fast I'm moving along in my day. To my mind, level 5 is where I'm placing my foot on the gas.

I have some idea about the child's leg braces. I've worked with this image in my original inner work. Thought that was over. The braces are old-fashioned, buckles covered in rust. Again, thought this was over. Wondering, "Are old issues every over? Are we just collectors of "issues", cramming them in the closets of our mind, never to be free?" This is not a happy thought, but I'm reminded that thoughts and emotions have their own purpose, so perhaps this is a good thing? I'll have to ask.

Once in the mind and in front of those that share my automatic journaling, there is no need to ask, for the question is already being answered. Once something is noticed, then it is explored and tended to. Rather like "automatic gardening." Weeds notice...weeds gone, but in this instance, a special learning or healing takes place.

I'm asked a question. "What are the braces telling you?" Perplexed. "Go over and help the child to remove them. The braces are wise. They have been holding the child upright."

As I maneuver the buckles, trying to get them to open, I notice the rust has come off on my hands, forming words. "Happiness, joy, love, compassion, forgiveness....freedom." Seeing "freedom" brings tears to my eyes. Why hasn't the child been free? Did I place the braces on her legs? Am I responsible for keeping her from running and playing, experiencing the joy of life? I respect freedom so much, this idea of being responsible for this is pouring guilt over my being. And, what's with the sweater, hat and scarf? "When one can not experience happiness, joy, compassion, forgiveness and love, one is often cold."

The words in my journal ask me to relax and release. "You know not what you do and so guilt serves no purpose here. Now you are aware and in charge of keeping the child free to explore life wearing happiness, joy and love. She forgives and has compassion for what happened in the past. Now, you can forgive as well, for those who originally placed the encumbrances on the child did not know what they were doing, just like you." An image of my mother, father, brothers, aunt and grandmother present themselves. I draw a forgiveness heart on the page of my journal, observing as it is transferred to my family images.

A noise interrupts. The child is laughing. Chasing a butterfly down the path, winter clothing and braces no where to be seen.

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A Different Door
originally posted: August 18, 2010

Can't believe this... I re-sprained my old knee injury! Hit it on the corner of the car door. What is this business with my mind and body keeping me "chair-bound?" Knowing that "there are no accidents", I have to assume that I'm meant to delay returning to my life as usual. I'm reminded that I have choices. Either sit here, complain and snarl, or open myself up to whatever this is all about.

Remembered my automatic writing journal. A great way to work inside the "theater of the mind.". Love that journal and I've had great experiences with it in the past. I'm interested in knowing when I used it last and what happened. It seems that our own mind, given the opportunity, will grab it, taking us to where we need to go at that particular time and I'm ready to go somewhere now.

Here it is. The last time I wrote in it was in October, 2001. Noticing I was engrossed in a conversation with my "alive part." Reading further, recalling what was going on with me. A season of mild reactive depression. Little desire or energy to do anything. Inner journal or automatic writing is a great way to have well-guided, self-hypnotic experiences. Reading through some of the inner conversations and suggestions from the Higher Part of Me, following the experience, observing the healing, the exit door back to a healthy, balanced life being held open by my "alive part."

I haven't thought about that part of me in a long while and I'm happy to have the time to reconnect. Wondering what my "alive part" would have to say about some other things that I'm currently experiencing. Becoming re-ignited and anxious to get back to this.

Even though I haven't written in this journal since 2001, I accept life as a continuation. While I've side-stepped on tangential paths, it's still a journey of what came before, what comes next and what comes after that.

I'm reading that my "alive part" has suggested that I design my own outcomes, as I would like to have them. The depressed part of me would benefit from "mind re-hab" and changing it's relationships with particular emotions that are related to the wearing of "heavy shoes." Another suggestion is to change my family of origin...not exactly eliminating them, but making up images of different brothers and sisters that are more balanced in their approach to life. Working in the subconscious mind is often like child's play. The inner mind has a great sense of humor, loving metaphors that while appearing silly, are just the opposite. Imagining having Thanksgiving with my new and delightful, agreeable and friendly family of siblings. But, sensing mySelf being encumbered by ridiculous heavy shoes is not too far from the truth. Perhaps my subconscious hasn't been in shoe departments lately!

Automatic journaling allows me to frame areas of my life that I choose to work on. This can be anything, from problems, health issues, habits, addictions to areas of creative living and design. I spend some time thinking about what I would like to address. Usually choosing just one or two things at a time. I'm never sure how many parts of me might like to weigh in on the issue, and I might even have some visitors from the Universe at Large. One thing for sure, it's always an enlightening experience.
Sometimes I meet up with some of my younger Selves. On occasion, future or much older Selves have joined the conversation, along with the inner workings of a particular problem. I can always expect emotions to be exposed, both positive and negative. Once again, this all happens automatically and right off the end of my pen or on the computer screen, if we all choose to type. WE? Yes, we. All parts have points of view and flashlights to shine on different aspects of whatever is on the table. As for the Universal Guests, can never be sure who will turn up.

I do have a meeting room in the "theater of my mind", but most of the time we just meet in a quiet, spiritual place....perhaps in a garden or by the side of a stream, or under the "library trees." Those are trees with built-in reference texts from the most powerful Universal Beings. I especially love going there because the energy is so BIG.

My journal is ready and inviting. However, I'm not alone today. A childPart of me has presented herSelf, wanting to travel along with me. I had a feeling that something special was going to happen, so perhaps this is a clue. The child is wearing heavy braces on her legs, rather like the kind children wore when polio was common. She's also dressed in rather cumbersome clothing. Heavy sweater, hat and scarf. This is Florida, but obviously that means nothing to this part of me.

Relaxing deeply into the moment now. Fingers not touching the computer keys. Eyes closed gently and slightly turned up. Entering the subconscious mind via the spiral staircase, the suggestion of the childPart. Most likely this also has a meaning, so I'll remember to ask. Going down, down and further down. Eyes opening, fingers working independently from my mind. Questions appearing as if being asked by themselves...

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Re: The Art of Self-Tweaking (May 20, 2010)

I love your blog regarding the art of tweaking! I've enjoyed a number of your tapes (way back when) and now mp3 recordings. Your imagery is deep and rich; it resonates with me. I really enjoy reading your creative thoughts and ideas!

Re: The Art of Self-Tweaking (May 20, 2010)

Thank you Elizabeth for this article. I was reminded of a talk I used to give several years ago, particularly to business people, but it also (I believe) has a message for people in general, except that the image I used mightn't be meaningful for them.

The message is simple and is contained in its title "You are your own product manager." When you know the responsibilities and role of a product manager, the message is quite clear. But what I wanted my audiences to understand and believe, is that their future is their responsibility.

Thank you for the opportunity to comment.

Re: Brick Throwing & Ducking (May 18, 2010)

Once again my comment arises from my business background. In sales your prospect (customer) will always offer some objections. It doesn't matter whether the objection is valid or not, or significant or trivial. What it is - is something to be dealt with. Each objection you treat seriously and overcome, becomes a new selling point for whatever your product or service is. The customer might be objecting simply to show that s/he is in command. Your treatment of it validates the customer's self-perception, and increases your acceptance value in his/her eyes. But whatever - an objection requires you to consider it, and if necessary to take some relevant action - requires you to react positively.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht has been working & writing in the field of mindbody health, self-hypnosis, addictions, creativity & optimum performance for over 30 years. She is a graduate of Rockland Psychiatric Center, SUNY; Graduate Nurse Intern, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, Cornell University, N.Y. She is President & Program Designer, Sarasota Medical & Sports Hypnosis Institute, Sarasota, FL & online at http://www.hypnosis-audio.com & http://www.sugar-addiction.com

She has written & produced +350 audio CD programs for adults, children, students & athletes, as well as several books in original Interactive Self-Hypnosis. She specializes in the food connection to addiction, optimum health & performance. She is the author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It, as well as Beyond Disorderly Eating...the Truth About Sugar & Binging & How to Stop